Why Nothing Works at Tech

Otto Huntstein05/27/2021April 2021

Have you, a Brooklyn Tech student, ever wondered why everything in the school is always broken, and why what is working gets broken for seemingly no reason? Well, you’re not alone. Many other students have noticed this, too. Luckily for you, we have the answer. Today, we reveal an exclusive look at how broken (working) things are fixed (broken) at our school. This process involves a secret committee, known as the Brooklyn Tech Committee Dedicated to Breaking and Poorly Fixing Perfectly Normal, Functioning Things, or the B.T.C.D.B.P.F.P.N.F.T., which is much less of a mouthful.

The B.T.C.D.B.P.F.P.N.F.T. has two branches, the breaking division and the fixing division. The breaking division consists of a group of ex-boxers, who destroy the chosen object(s) with sledgehammers. The repairing division of the B.T.C.D.B.P.F.P.N.F.T. consists of a large number of toddlers who are currently in pre-k. These individuals in this top-secret organization are tasked with coming up with ideas on how to improve (mess up) the school.

But first, in order for the ideas to have a drab high school-like feel, the agents are given a Tech student’s homework and tasked with finishing, just to ensure they are ready to move on in the design process.

During the design process, these toddlers are tasked with writing down, with a sharpened #2 pencil in 12pt size 14 Times New Roman, MLA format with double spacing, all their ideas on how to fix (break) whatever object is selected. Any ideas that do not fit this format are discarded, and the best (worst) idea out of all of them is selected.

Once the process is finished, the B.T.C.D.B.P.F.P.N.F.T. needs to wait 5-11 years to get all the required paperwork and permits to start construction. Such permits include:

  • A permit to hire workers
  • A permit to pay workers
  • A permit to work in a school building
  • One permit for each worker so they are allowed to work and get paid
  • A permit to summon a demon lord (preschool teacher)
  • And a permit to acquire the permits listed above After this, and another year of construction, the object in question is now repaired (broken). Now all the students get to notice, comment and complain about the now broken (fixed) item. So, if you ever wondered why the stairways now and forever will smell like paint thinner, you can always thank the B.T.C.D.B.P.F.P.N.F.T.

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