Rawlins Collard ∙ 11/28/2020 ∙ November 2020
The Occupational Health and Safety Administration (OSHA) has released a new round of fines on local billionaire and crackpot candy maker, Willy Wonka. Wonka, who only sometimes puts crack in his candy pots, has been fined over violations of health and safety guidelines.
Inspectors from OSHA have found dozens of what they consider to be high risk problems with the factory, including a lack of handrails, a lightless boat tunnel for what seems to be no purpose, and the close proximity of garbage, including winter clothes, to the food products.
Now, you may also know Mr. Slugworth as head of Slugworth chocolates, a chocolate company receiving billions of dollars each year despite never producing chocolates, or having any employees, and is widely rumored to be a shell company for Wonka chocolates.
But, despite questionable leadership, with a sum of just over thirty million dollars, the fines were disputed by the Wonka company. In a statement, Arthur Slugworth said the shoddy conditions are simply part of their “magic.” Mr. Wonka himself declined to respond to the allegations personally, and hasn’t been seen in-person for years. When reporters from the Radish asked Slugworth about the dangers of the exposed pipes and self-righteous sorting machines, he got a faraway look in his eyes and said, “They’d have to be some naughty children—children who don’t appreciate the value of friendship—for anything bad to happen to them.” He then elaborated, saying, “Even if a child were to be sucked into the tubes, they’d have to be extraordinarily fat to be caused any serious bodily harm.” It remains unclear why he spoke specifically about children. Despite the severity of this case, it should be noted that this is not Mr. Wonka’s first clash with the federal government. He has been sued by the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) for the presence of a polluting chocolate river on his property, along with not following carbon emission regulations. Mr. Slugworth commented for Mr. Wonka, saying, “[he] missed the days when businesses could get away with unfettered capitalism without ‘Big Government’ hamstringing efforts.” Mr. Wonka also has an ongoing lawsuit filed by the Department of Justice for human trafficking. And, supposedly, he is under supervision from U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) for aiding the suspected mass illegal immigration of Loompaland citizens, who he coerced to work in his factory.