Big Carthage

Diego Curinga04/08/2021March 2021


Many people know a bit about the history of the Roman Empire, but have you heard of that other empire across the Mediterranean from them? Carthage isn’t too well-known nowadays. History is written by the winners. That should mean that the Romans wouldn’t record much about Carthage; they razed its capital, right? But what if Rome was the defeated one all along? Sure, Rome had some things going for it, such as people who liked being in armies and some very good pizza. But are you trying to tell me that thousands of soldiers and war elephants, led by the legendary general Hannibal Barca, lost to a bunch of pizza army people? There’s no way. Carthage must have defeated Rome and razed its own city, writing that they had been eradicated. They then slid behind the scenes of history. I know it sounds absurd. I wouldn’t believe myself either. Why would Carthage raze their own city? Usually that’s not what you want to be doing. In fact, we have reason to believe that 98% of the people who win wars don’t raze their own cities. But every empire ends, and the Carthaginains knew this. They must have decided to end on their own terms. However, there is one hole in this theory. Our hole is Byzantium. Somehow, a great city was made, but who could have built it? How would we be expected to believe that Rome decided to move? That’s outrageous. If you had a great city expertly positioned on the coast, but not too close to the coast, as legends say Rome was, would you just leave? And don’t even start with the pretending that the Goths had any impact on those “Romans.” Besides the Carthaginains, they were one of the greatest military forces in history. We are looking into a theory that Jesus built Byzantium as a holy city, but seeing as he was dead at the time, we’re not so sure about this. Our working theory is that it was founded by the Germans, or possibly some members of the Macedonian empire. Fast forward to 1492: Christopher Columbus wants to go to India, but he needs money. If only there were an organization that wanted to expand the wealth of Europe while destroying and oppressing native people. Oh wait, Carthage. That’s right, Carthage funded Columbus. Who whispered in Amerigo Vespucci’s ear that he was on a new continent and not Marco Polo’s India? Carthage. Speaking of which, who told Marco Polo to go to India? Can you guess? You’ll never guess. It was Carthage. Then, four hundred years later, are we to believe that the great general Napoleon was defeated by some British guy? Even after some failed campaigns in Russia, he could still outmaneuver a Briton. But not Carthage, which famously had some of the greatest military minds in history. Seeing a pattern yet? Even Friedreich Engels was famously a Carthage enthusiast, according to John F. Kennedy was a descendant of one of the founders of the “Carthaged” Roman Republic. Lee Harvey “Carthage” Oswald took him out. The moon landing wasn’t faked, but its goal was. The moon landing was so that a Carthagian space research station could eventually be established. Carthagians also established a secret wing below the White House they call the “deep state.” They snuck into the archives there to try and find the file with Obama’s last name. There are still many questions about this sinister force. Were they responsible for the death of the Macedonian Chad, Alexander? Did they sabotage Major Tom’s spaceship? Was Shakespeare in on the Carthaginian conspiracy? Did Carthage invent birds, or do those actually not exist, despite discoveries from our December issue? If you had to pick one, is yogurt a solid or a liquid? These questions may never be answered, but one thing is for certain- they've found me. Goodbye.

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