Ethan Perkis04/03/2020March 2020


Aquarius: Your birthstone is a garnet. Cliché, yes, but do you have anything greater? I beg to differ. Maybe if you were writing these, you could put your birthstone as a laser-shooting fantasy rock, but for the time being, it is a shatter-resistant red gem. Enjoy! Pisces: Your birthstone may be a pink salt crystal, but don’t be salty. Aries: Your birthstone is a new stone added to the earth sciences curriculum. Known only as blortlesnap, this rock is robin's-egg blue, completely edible, and smells like the concept of infinity. Any student who can bring in a sample of it will receive a 100 for the marking period. Taurus: Your birthstone is alive. It seeks… something. It does not know what, but it will begin destroying all the Tauruses that it sees in the hopes that this will complete its unconscious craving. Our only survival tip is to leave behind the children and elderly, and run. Safe travels! Gemini: Your birthstone is an icosahedral quasicrystal. We have no idea what that means, so good luck figuring that out. Cancer: Your birthstone is deep in the recesses of the hollow earth, among the dinosaurs, JFK clones, and hidden government projects. Leo: We couldn’t possibly tell what your birthstone is. No, seriously, if we told you your birthstone’s name, the knowledge would literally destroy part of your brain. Virgo: Your birthstone is embedded deep inside of a dead man’s skull. It will be found one day, but will have a terrible price of $0.59. It will be the most beautiful gem discovered yet, but worth about as much as a crumpled plastic cup. Libra: Your birthstone is a piece of Apocrypha, you holy creature of a zodiac sign. Scorpio: Your stone will allow you to whack others upside the head with it. What is it, you say? ‘Tis but pure granite. Have fun causing brain damage and being punished for said brain damage. Sagittarius: We live to feel pain so that we may know joy. So, your birthstone is a dented skull to make you feel the pains of others. It will also bleed dead people’s blood. You will be tortured with the pain of a thousand burning suns, but the skull looks pretty cool. Capricorn: Your birthstone is a blueberry. Have a delicious zodiac treat, you monster.

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