College Admissions Officers are Getting Bored

Phoenix Thorwall10/21/2023



Brooklyn Tech is known for its competitive environment. Not only is there pressure to make the top grade in all your classes, but students are also expected to have a diverse set of extracurriculars that help them stand out from the rest of the crowd.

Despite all these efforts, it seems that less and less students are getting admitted into college every year. The cause? College Admissions Officers are quitting out of boredom. To get an insider’s perspective on the situation, we interviewed Mr. MIT, a recent addition to CalTech’s admissions office, who summed the issue up to “our school consists of a population of sheep.”

“Everyone’s just doing the same stuff nowadays,” MIT proclaims, “Being a part of NHS and student government was like being a member of the secret service back in my day. But ever since Star Wars came out, being a nerd became mainstream and so did quick Ivy League acceptance hacks.”

“People may say they’re natural born leaders because they paid the signup fee for a service club. They preach that the weekend golf resort trip was a fundraiser for the homeless that helped community building. Don’t get me wrong, these are very admirable qualities, but students need to look deep within themselves and discover the most niche and bizarre thing to exploit about themselves in an essay.” Now you may be thinking, what better discoveries to make than in the uncharted depths of space?! Dear reader, you may have considered pursuing internships at grand institutions such as NASA, however, Mr. MIT would be swift to kill that dream.

“Sure a NASA internship sounds impressive. Until you see that every Harvard applicant has one,” Blabbers MIT, “Most of the time, all these kids do is their Pre Calc homework while someone gives a lecture about the earth being flat. But you know what I’ve never seen on an application? A student who actually went to space! Even better, someone who got abducted by aliens and lived to tell the tale.”

“Listen, I’m not even accepting Nepo Babies. The scandal has lost its charm. They say any press is good press but I still don’t know what camera angle makes my butt look big so I’m not risking MSNBC making a public scandal out of me.”

So it seems that colleges are actually more interested in students who are open enough to show off their worst features. People aren’t numbers. They aren’t perfect. That’s why becoming the dictator for a small country is a strong multifaceted skill to place on your resume! A position such as this demonstrates Leadership opportunities in ALL aspects of government and resource management (albeit at the expense of the poor… But if you think about it, that’s just like being in debt to a university. Talk about playing the system!) Just make sure not to tell your friends, we don’t want this becoming mainstream too.

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