Does Our Principal have the Mandate of Heaven?

Domenic DiPietro01/27/2023





For millennia, Chinese dynasties would grant themselves the Mandate of Heaven upon taking power, representing a claim that they were chosen by the gods to rule. How far we have strayed from this genius idea. How can the gullible, jaded students under Nemwan’s regime accept his position without divine confirmation? As the cycle in China would go, a government would go through a cycle of increasing controversy until an inevitable uprising and ousting. How much time is left for our head of state?

For these reasons and many more, I am taking the opportunity to claim the Mandate of Heaven for myself. That’s right, it is I, the most revered Radish writer in history [citation needed], who has the most legitimate claim for the Tech throne. You might find yourself asking what this legendary author has to offer, besides rugged good looks and unrivaled genius [citation needed] – I’m glad you asked, dear reader, and I’m flattered. Unlike current principal Dave “No Mandate” Nemwan, as I call him, I am a man of the people, with honesty to boot. That’s why I am running on the platform of introducing taxation and transferring the budget to myself – for honesty’s sake.

You may be asking, “why would a school tax its students?” That is a terrible question, and you have lost my respect, non-dear reader. However, I will explain. Disgraced soon-to-be-ex-principal Nemwan, much like the emperors of old, has failed to bring prosperity to our great nation school. Many students, instead of praising their deserved luxurious environment, can be constantly observed documenting filth and other (usually bathroom-related) criticisms. By collecting revenue, as the most populous high school in the country, Brooklyn Technical will rise to become the most feared empire school in all of America. This would allow for some necessities, like sparkling hallways, non-laughable technology at a technological school, and of course the establishment of a military program.

Oh, did you think you misread that? You did not. Once again looking back to ancient China, the answer has always laid in military conquest and glory. Otherwise, we risk the possibility of a rebellion and the installation of a communist regime. To placate the angry populace, Tech must challenge and absorb other NYC schools, and eventually the country. From there, world domination will be ripe for the taking. We know Nemwan is not the man to do it. I am.

More Articles: Feast on these!

Top 10 best tasting sharpies

We all know Sharpies, the snack for your meeting room eating. Almost everybody has tried one of thes...

Timothy Ebegbe

All Articles!