Kiran Berger ∙ 05/31/2020 ∙ Quarantine Issue One
This school year, Brooklyn Tech saw an increase in peculiar events and patterns. Obviously, the big one was the fake bomb threat. It caused chaos throughout the neighborhood and doubled LIU-Brooklyn’s student body for the day. What made that worse for some people was the presence of some free donut guys. That’s right: for one whole day in October, there was a group of men near Rocky’s. They were holding Bibles, wearing blue suits, and trying to give handouts about The Gideons International organization. We found it really culty. But only one unfairly infamous group has the right to a repeated presence at Tech. This purposeless, nameless group shows up about once bi-weekly. Needless to say, it is pretty suspicious to students. However, our investigative reporters at The Radish have infiltrated their organization, gone through their chain of supply, reviewed their mission statement, and interviewed their staff. Now please, thanks to the work done—and sacrifices made—by our investigative staff, please read our great investigative report:
If you haven’t seen it for yourself yet, every two weeks or so, a group of adults hand out free Dunkin’ Donuts donuts to Technites. They are usually on the side of Tech closest to Rocky’s. Many Tech students have been speculative of their donut motives. Some say the donut men are trying to recruit people for their religion, whereas others think they are brainwashing them into transferring to Stuy. Nevertheless, whoever we asked, we never heard anyone speculate that they might just be nice people, trying to lift us up during the stressful school year. That’s why we decided to concretely explain their motives.
Our first move: tracking their supply chain. This proved easy enough; we were able to trace back to the Atlantic Avenue Dunkin’ Donuts. We briefly interviewed an employee who was working when they most recently picked up donuts for Tech. Here’s a short excerpt from that interview, which was cut for brevity:
Us: Did you notice anything weird about the group? Did they have any weird behaviors or tendencies when picking up their donuts?
Employee: Besides the fact that hardly anyone buys $500 donuts every two weeks, not really. They were pretty normal and polite to me and my colleagues. Actually, one time they tipped us 200%. Actually, can that be off the record? I might’ve stolen that from the tip jar when I went to empty it.
Us: Yeah sure, that’ll be off the record. Don’t worry.
So, not only is the donut crew really nice to Tech students, but to everyone—even if they steal tips from their fellow employees. But here at the Radish, we always seek the absolute truth. We dug even deeper. We decided to interview the donut people the next chance we got: 8:25 AM one day, the most recent donut people appearance. Here’s an excerpt from that interview:
Us: Hi, we’re doing investigative work for our student publication about your… handouts.
Donut Guy: No worries! Ask any questions you want, kid. We’re an open book.
Us: Well, that’s the thing. We don’t know much about you. Don’t worry, though. We only want to know a few things, like, how much do you spend a week on donuts?
Donut Guy: We spend around $500 a week.
Us: And who pays?
Donut Guy: We pay out of pocket.
Us: Oh wow. So, besides donuts, do you hand out anything else? Any pamphlets, drinks, miniature holy books, belief systems?
Donut Guy: Nah kid, just donuts, good vibes, and a smile.
Us: Oh I see you, so you put stuff inside the donut. Smart.
Donut Guy: Nah, it’s just the donuts, man.
Us: Then why do you hand out the donuts?
Donut Guy: We do it for a variety of reasons. Our biggest, and most obvious, reason? We love to help the students, who might not have had a good breakfast. Also, we get free breakfast too! Haha, donuts are the best breakfast!
Another Donut Guy: We’d also rather give donuts to students than cops, who get way too much attention for their love of donuts. But personally? For me it’s all about getting to enjoy the scent of garbage and scaffolding outside of Tech. It’s just such a delightful and healthy way to spend my mornings!
Yet Another Donut Guy Wearing a Sticky, Sweet-Smelling Overcoat: Also, free donuts!
This is why we of The Radish believe that it’s safe to inform people the donut guys are nothing to fear! While many believe they have ulterior motives, we find our extensive investigation to show the donut guys are not creepy, just really nice dudes.