How to Breathe

Samantha Colon01/18/2023




#From the field


Breathing is a natural process that we all take for granted, but did you know that breathing is the most important part of your body's daily routine?

Though breathing is a natural function that we do every day, it can be difficult to remember how. This article will teach you the basics of breathing and how to do it properly.

There are many benefits of proper breathing: it can help with stress, anxiety, and even snoring! In this article, we'll go over some tips on how to improve your breathing habits.

How to Breathe:

  • Take deep breaths from your diaphragm, not from your chest. ( ⚠️Warning: taking breaths from your chest will instantaneously shatter your rib cage which may result in unexpected death! )

  • Breathe out for longer than you breathe in, but do not hold your breath for more than one second at a time! ( ⚠️Warning: doing this may result in immediate death! )

  • Take breaths from the bottom of your lungs, not from the top of your chest. ( ⚠️Warning: taking breaths from the bottom of your lungs may result in necrosis of the lungs which will lead to imminent death!)

Now with this knowledge, you will be able to successfully breathe and not die. Congratulations!

However, everything you have read above is propaganda for the Anemoi – the 4 Wind Gods OF GREECE for you uncultured ignoramuses. I am Alexander the Great, the true potentate of Macedonia, unlike a certain someone named Dimitar Kovačevski. I was born in 356 BC, faked my death in 323 BC, and I am still alive.

I am not breathing.

Trust me, it has allowed me to live for over 2000 years and in this article I will teach you how to do the very same thing. At the age of 20 I ascended to the throne. After a decade of ruling and conquering I was beginning to feel a twinge of remorse for massacring entire tribes, violently repressing opposition to my rule, and forcing people to assimilate to my culture during my annexation of nations.

In my darkest moment I laid on my pheasant down mattress, silk sheets over my still form, and ruminated upon my actions and their consequences. This was the most I had ever thought about my actions other than for war strategizing. Thinking about my actions in a way that wasn’t clinical and detached had an effect on me and I was overcome with emotion. I instantly shed a single tear and sent my servants to fetch me a silk handkerchief and a platter of dried dates. I dabbed at my eyes with the handkerchief and miserably gorged myself on the dried dates.

After finishing my platter one of my servants collected it while another announced I had a visitor and asked If I should let him in. I graciously allowed the visitor to enter the room.

The wide doors to my bedchamber swung open, revealing a floating eye. My eyes widened. I let my visitor stay, but I was shocked that he was a floating eye and not a human as I had expected. When he spoke, I realized the eye before me was not just a figment of my imagination – he was divine.

He pleaded with me to end my conquest because of all of the destruction it caused and told me that I could live forever if I ceased breathing, faked my death, and ran away from my Empire.

His eloquent speech had partially won me over, and I suspected he was an oracle because no normal eye could make such a persuasive and stirring speech. However, my more skeptical side thought it might be an elaborate assassination plot, because until that point I was convinced not breathing could cause death. Before I could respond, my suspicions of his divinity were confirmed when he disappeared into a brilliant ball of light.

After that day, I resolved to wean myself off breathing and faked my death on my 32nd birthday.

How I weaned myself off breathing, I forgot. It has been over 2,000 years, you cannot expect me to remember the little details.

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