Aramie Ewen ∙ 11/27/2021 ∙ November 2021
Nose strips: they're the diversity hire of choice for nose bandages and snoring. They're useful for showing people you're interested in stopping your pesky loud breathing without actually taking action.
And yet some people, cough, don't even know how to put on a damn nose strip properly. They'll simply slap a strip on their nose, call it a night, and blissfully go off to keep the innocent members of their household up all night with their snoring. I've had enough of it. So, people, here's how you're supposed to put on a goddamn nose strip so you can sleep sweetly and tightly without starting an earthquake so powerful Poseidon would be proud.
To begin placing your nose strip, first put your first nose strip over your nostrils. The absurd over-nose tape won't completely cover both nostrils, but your breathing should make it wiggle like a flattened worm. The flapping should be so strong the strip will make you wonder if it ever considered a career in dance. The flapping will make you wonder if it ever wanted to fly. The flapping will tickle the bottom of your nose a bit. Of course, the nose strip won’t fly. Nose strips can't fly. Or dance. Or follow their petty, beautiful dreams and aspirations. At this point, you will feel immensely sad about that fact. Get through it, however, and the next steps will go by much more smoothly. The next nose strip will be placed vertically over your mouth, so it looks like you now have two narrow mouths. Don't be startled by this, it's completely normal. You did not grow another mouth; you have simply effectively divided your mouth in two. Well, as it turns out, the first nose strip was, in fact, always interested in dancing. Heartwarmed by your sadness over its inability to follow its dreams, your nose nose strip has finally decided to try. Help them. Now, you must lie down so your nose strips may dance across your face. They've been apart for a long time—ever since you took them out of the box. But this frightens you. Maybe nose strips were never made to dance, to leap, to fly over your face. It's terribly beautiful. It's too much. So, you'll give your nose strips a moment and then rip them apart. You'll throw them out, burn them, and run away.
You will run back, however. You'll run back because you shouldn't have set your garbage can on fire. Next-door neighbor Susan wouldn't like to wake up to a fire—even less than waking up to your incessant snoring. Still, take a deep breath. You deserve it- At this point, the nose strips will fly inside your nose. They will turn into mush, thinly coating the inner walls of your nose. That mush will form a small army of people within you. Marching, marching deep inside, they will find the recorder hidden in your skull emitting snoring noises and lightly tap it with a rubber hammer. That won’t do anything, though. It’s a rubber hammer, come on. When they’re done checking the noise box’s reflexes, they'll walk out. The little guys will salute you and you'll feel like you did something. Those nose strips will never dance again, the rubber hammer will not affect your snoring, and Susan's house will still burn down because you didn't stop your garbage fire soon enough—but you know what? Good on you. For a moment, those nose strips lived the dream.