\I'm Shredded Now,\ My Gym Workout Log Says

Kiran Berger05/31/2020Quarantine Issue One


As all Tech heads are experiencing, Gym class is now completely online. That’s right, no more sharing locks or hurriedly stuffing gym clothes into the back of our bags. Now, we all have definitely been exercising from home, creating our own workouts, and finding them online. Our teachers have even been so nice as to encourage us by making these workouts mandatory for a passing grade. For some of us, they even made a colorful, complex log system to record our workouts and create elaborate reflections on them.

Personally, I am reaping the benefits of these workouts. The daily workouts and cardio exercises have most definitely placed me at the peak of the human physical condition. In fact, last night, when typing up the reflection for my workout, my computer repeatedly only autocorrected to “I’m shredded now”. Despite my commitment to completing these workouts, I wondered if any Tech kids would be able to fool their gym teachers with their logs.

To test my theory, I enlisted top medical experts in the kinesiology field, to see their predictions of my physical fitness based purely on workout logs. I sent them each a copy of a workout log I made up for this experiment, which had three workouts per day. All of the doctors had similar responses, claiming I was a unique spectacle of the human condition. Based on their responses, I concluded that anyone could be fooled by a fake workout log. So, to finish off this investigative report, here are some of the responses I got from the medical experts I reached out to:

  • 51 said that I would have only 1-3% body fat.

  • 43 said that I would not have only 1, but rather 2 blood types.

  • 33 said that I would have the flexibility of a rubber band.

  • 26 said that I would have the heart stamina of a professional marathon runner.

  • 4 said that I would double my bone count.

  • 29 said that I would develop a bulletproof, turtle-like shell that I could slide around on.

  • 35 said that if I continued this workout for another 2 weeks, I would have the sense of smell and maneuverability of a young rabbit.

  • 1 said nothing, but I think that was because it was actually a cantaloupe.

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