“I put gold eyeshadow on my eyes, I can take it,” says person who absolutely cannot take it

Aramie Ewen03/14/2023



Despite putting gold, humans’ favorite squishy metal, all over their eyelids, this person absolutely cannot take it. They say that they can take it, but the gold flecks on their eyelids do nothing but reflect light back into the world.

The false sense of confidence that putting gold eyeshadow all over their eyes gives does nothing to help them take it. They simply cannot deal and their new, shinier exterior cannot change their deep insecurities. It is, after all, INsecurities, not GOLDEYESHADOWsecurities, which would be very secure. Just like the gold standard.

In fact, the eyeshadow that is on their eyelids does not contain any real gold. They are basing their security on a lie, on a farce, on a falsehood! The gold eyeshadow really has no effect on this person’s coping abilities. The gold eyeshadow isn’t even all on their eyes. It’s flaked and fallen all over their face, it gets in their eyes. The pieces of glitter are visible and look like off-white stars (gross).

We asked a mental health expert, sporting a cool matte green eyeshadow look, what they thought about the claim that this person could take it, despite only bracing themselves with a thin coat of gold eyeshadow.

“Without a doubt, without knowing what ‘it’ is, that person probably can’t take it,” Matte Green Eyeshadow said, elaborating, “I’d give them a 40-50% chance of being able to take it, even wearing the eyeshadow. Without the eyeshadow? The chances would be about the same but their eyes would be markedly less shiny.”

Perhaps their eyelids being shiny will help them take it a bit better. Doubtful, though.

More Articles: Feast on these!

how to cope when your club advisor is getting married

Has this ever happened to you? It’s the first week of school and you’re sitting in your eleventh g...

Maxime Ennis

All Articles!