Charlotte Rotlander ∙ 11/28/2020 ∙ November 2020
This just in: Three dead, seventeen injured, thousands extremely confused, and five mildly confused as the rampage across the city increases in intensity. The Kool-Aid man, America’s national treasure, has lost it. After being sued by the Association Against Comically Large Containers (AACLC), the messy divorce, and the weirdly specific taxes on jugs with liquids in them, he just couldn’t afford to pay up. He was left with two options: sell his Kool-Aid to the 2020 Kool Blood Drive or run.
So who can we blame for this? Sources say, “BLAME HIM HE RIPPED OFF MY LEG AND THREW IT IN HIS JAR” and “WHERE’S MY LIVER?” But we’re still looking into it. Oh, this just in, one of our reporters managed to catch up to him. “Mr. Aid Man, any comment?” “OH YEAH—My apologies. This isn’t an ‘OH YEAH’ moment.” “You wanna try that again? Maybe give us back an organ or two?” “OH NOOOOOOO.” This just in: Our anchor, Gus Essofa, has been swallowed alive. Who could’ve seen this coming, am I right, Gus? [Screaming and drowning in Kool-Aid noises] “Should we try speaking to his wife and ki—oh my god. Oh my god, oh my god, holy Jesus.” This just in: His wife and children have been cracked open and are being slurped up by the family dog. This is, arguably, not very good.
“Can they press charges on a dog, Martin? Because mine won’t stop eating my shoes, and honestly I’ve had eno—oh, my mic is still on?” Sorry about that. So where is Mr. Aid Man going? This dangerous behemoth seems to stop for no one and nothing. Locals are taking matters into their own hands. A local cheesecake-hater and lifelong fun-loather, Dave Wonderbread has been doing his best to redirect the liquedous giant towards his local Cheesecake Factory with rope and emotional manipulation. “Maybe your wife would’ve stayed if you hadn’t gone to that Cheesecake Factory on seventeenth street!” Dave shouts as he weakly attempts to toss a rope around the Kool-Aid man’s leg, failing miserably. Another local, Cheryl Ottmeal, a health-food-obsessed woman from Colorado, flew to the scene with her twenty-seven weapons of mass destruction to deal with the sugary beast.
“This is for your low vitamin A content!” She screams as she launches a chemical warfare attack that violates several clauses of the Geneva Convention. That's all the news we have as of now. As Mr. Aid Man gets closer to our headquarters in the basement of the Applebee’s between 24th and 25th street (the one with the broken light so it reads “A p ebee’s”), we fear that our very existence is in danger. This may be our final goodbye as a news source. Our final message? Check out the new deal at Applebee’s and get the hot and steamy baked ziti for only $5.99! Exclusions may apply.