To the surprise of the entire male student body, the Collegeboard sent an email regarding an AP exam that no one signed up for… No one was going to pass up a free chance of getting another credit for college admissions, but why did only the boys get this special opportunity? Oddly enough, the ticket to this exam told students to head to a boys bathroom in the northeast section of the building on any floor. Upon arriving, all the proctors were members of the custodial staff.

Then, the boys were given several minutes to perform three tasks: urinate in a urinal, urinate in a toilet and urinate in a sink.

At first, the boys were appalled, especially those who were less physically endowed. How were they able to aim for the sink if their small, teeny little wee-wees couldn’t be moved because they were so tiny and sunken? But as the exam went on, many realized why the exam was necessary—and why they wouldn’t pass.

A boy tried to go to the bathroom to look at his cheat sheet, but to no avail- he was already in the bathroom. The custodians had locked the door and shut the windows. There was no escape from the inevitable.

It was such an exhausting task. There’s only so much pee to spare in the body. One boy wept, “I literally don’t drink water. Like, ever. What do you want me to spray out?”

By the end of the test, the ceiling was covered in urine. The boys were more exhausted than after any AP exam they’d ever taken. Their confidence and bladders were drained. After taking a survey, the majority of boys say they would rather have taken a DBQ from a subject they’ve never studied for than pass and get the credit for this exam. One response described it as “more painful than getting hit in the crotch.” We put that to the test. We got the chance to interview these local heroes for more insight into this new policy. Over the years, custodians have had growing concerns for the future of humanity: “We may be the engineers, but none of the boys seem to know how to flush a toilet.” “Why do we let our students get recruited for the military when they can’t even aim in a urinal?” This is a proficiency exam to see whether or not the boys of Brooklyn Tech really do deserve their bathroom privileges. If enough people fail, the boys bathroom will be shut down and funds (as well as room space and delicious water) will be allocated to people who actually deserve it. Like the bagel club. Boys will have to fight for the chance to use the small 3 minute window where a couple isn’t occupying the gender neutral bathroom. Girls on the other hand, know the ins and outs of bathroom etiquette. This is why the girls' bathrooms have vending machines and massage chairs on the inside.

Sneaky Tips From The Radish:

• For a 5 pee in the proctor's mouth! They give you free diapers.

• For a 4 pee like a normal human person like it’s literally not even that hard. You pass. Passably.

• For a 3 you just have to not piss your pants because come on can you not even do that? You’re on thin ice they're gonna watch you pee with cameras they're watching right now do a good job

• For a 2 you have to be absolutely pathetic. You didn’t even pee. No more bathroom for you in the school ever. What would you even do in there? Be sad and lonely?

• For a 1 you have to be pissing on the walls and the ceilings and the rims. Can you not control your pee hole? Is it like a cave full of crystals and stones? What is happening, bro? Bathroom privileges revoked, obviously. Plus they’re taking away your bladder too.