Ethan Perkis ∙ 12/23/2022
We all know what the holiday spirit is about. Sure, it’s got a bit of possession, a dash of sacrilegious acts, and a sprinkle of forced labor, but that’s not what we want to talk about. No, the holidays are actually all about cramming as many sweets as you can down your gullet hole! And who creates better gullet-hole-able foodstuffs than everyone’s favorite cookie company, Oreos™? They’ve just revealed their holiday lineup. Let’s take a look!**Mint-Pepper:**Everyone loves the classics, and Oreo has put quite a fresh twist on it: instead of just doing a boring minty delight, they’ve twisted it into a spicy surprise! Bite into this cookie and feel the cream bite back. Painful, but delicious! Though previously marketed as “The Ghost Pepper of Christmas Past” (although that was lobbied out by depressed billionaires on the board of directors), it’s got a hot new name and a great new taste that only burns with the scorching vermillion of two hundred suns!**Coal:**This cookie might not taste the sweetest, but you know that it’s got class. Lower class. Mined by only the most diligent elf laborers, this treat was fully formed out of the ground. Also, if you give one to Santa, he puts you on the IRREDEEMABLY NAUGHTY list! **Santa’s Beard:**We’ve got a hot and ready cookie for all the youths. You know that smell when you sit on a mall Santa and you can tell that the suit hasn’t been washed in a while? Imagine that as a flavor sandwiched between two skin-flavored cookies, and you’ve got yourself a tasty surprise. Bonus taste points if it’s stored in your weird uncle’s basement for years and served with little spots of dandruff!**Reindeer:**Here’s a tasty goodie for all the kiddies: reindeer-flavored Oreos! Rudolph has been missing for weeks, and neither Dancer nor Vixen have been responding to our interviewers for days on end, but hey! This cookie is full of meat and it glows red in the dark. Two in one bonus!**Christmas Tree:**The most poplar returning flavor hath returned! Ever-green, this cookie has been a favorite among focus groups solely composed of termites. Fir a limited time only, this one has real wood and ornament shards baked in! I know that my gums are dying to bleed like they used to!Wow! Such a tasty lineup. With all these flavors, how will I ever decide which to buy? But in the true spirit of the holidays, I must remember to be charitable and kind. As such, I’ll get as many as I can manage, and toss them at passers-by on the streets. A splendid idea, one that’ll surely spread the joy of the holidays.