Introducing the new Major Maintenance program, Brooklyn Tech has started a system in which students are required to volunteer for their major in fun new major-related projects. These projects are alright. But they’re not pushing the boundaries of what could be. 

For instance, the Industrial Design majors’ benches. Members of this major have begun installing benches in the hallways, revolutionizing block-foot-traffic-blocking—but nothing that hasn’t already been done by freshies’ roller backpacks. 

Meanwhile, Mechatronics majors have started making new robots with a do-not-kill-all-humans-and-instead-simply-carry-them-by-their-backpacks-out-of-a-nearby-window protocol. Terminator, am I right? Oh, sure, everyone’s a critic when it’s not Shakespeare in English class.

Additionally, the Media major has started creating cute animations about fire safety, specifically how you shouldn’t use fire extinguishers as weapons, regardless of how cool they make cafeteria fight scenes look. 

All fine projects. However, the Biological Sciences major has started something revolutionary. They’ve created a new take on vending machines! While this should’ve been thought of by Mechatronics or Electrical Engineering, this is fully in Bio Sci’s jurisdiction:it contains only fresh raw meat!

“It’s really cool that the SGO is letting us do something like this,” remarked Anna-Felicity Keet, one of the only Bio Sci majors to willingly respond to our pleas for comment. “We told them, ‘hey, we’ll be using $40 of assorted meats including but not limited to venison, beef, and poultry per day.’ and they just waved their hand in our general direction and muttered something about not enough people buying SGO stickers.” Anyway, I’m very happy with the new machine! Hopefully these lukewarm meat snacks will give a nice pick-me-up throughout the day. 

Some of the hot new flavors on the machine are: Burgerfingers, Stroganoff Chews, and my favorite, Skittles. 

However, this wonderful invention is not without controversy— mostly due to the Jesus Pieces. While they were marketed as “a healthy, religious snack for church,” many students were outraged to find that they were not made of the holy figure himself, but in fact the remains of several centuries-dead popes. 

“It’s so upsetting,” said Irene Ángele, a Senior in the LAS major, in her latest blog post. “Instead of eating God’s sons, all I get to eat are God’s interpreters.” After this post received donations of 14 human hearts, something needed to be done. 

After a petition among students received a total of 12,000 signatures, this tasty treat was removed from the menu, much to my pastor’s dismay. Even though they were misnamed, the Pope Francis II giblets were so tasty, and gave me a warm and gurgly feeling in my intestines for no less than 30 hours after eating. 

Still, in spite of the controversy, this addition has mostly been met with positivity. Despite the machine being on the 8th floor, there’s always exactly twenty students waiting in line for it. It’s well-worth the climb and wait—especially if you’re left wanting more protein after your top-of-the-building gym class.

And, looking forward, The BioSci major posted an announcement this morning saying that they were accepting new meat submissions! I’m excited, even though there is the disconcerting “hunt your own prey” policy. 

In other news, there has been a steep decline in cow population in areas of upstate New York. Oops, gotta go, just saw a freshie, which is our new affectionate term for “fresh meat source at the vending machine,” like chickens, fillies, and young students at Brooklyn Tech. As the morning announcement says every Monday, “have a Tuesday!”