Paleontologist More Like Badleontologist

Phoenix Thorwall05/27/2021May 2021


#Guest interview

Over the past month, employees of The Radish have been receiving phone calls from the same unknown number. What we first thought to be an unrelenting scammer was shockingly revealed to be a super cool stalker. We don’t know how but this man showed up at our official office space in the abandoned warehouse next to the Wendy’s. He flattered us with how, unlike  other news programs, which only discuss meaningless government affairs, we at The Radish focus on telling the real truths of the world. He asked us to tell his truth about dinosaurs. He fed our egos, so we decided to not call authorities and interview our stalker.  Our esteemed guest Mr. Pillowtummy wrote a thesis on his findings with a vocabulary consisting mainly of words such as “radical,” “mega poggers,” and “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.” You can find this thesis on the second page of Google after searching “dinosawr uwu,” as well as an audible version on SoundCloud. His experience in the field consists of completing fifty “grow your own dinosaur” kits, including the three limited-edition gold colored-ones and the National Geographic Mega Fossil Dig Kit. After a mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally exhausting interview, here are the fruits of our labor: “You know, I was actually a drama major in college. It’s an interesting story, really. One day as I was taking a walk through the park, I tripped and fell into a sandbox. As I crawled out I noticed I was wielding a bone in my palm like Indiana Jones with an ancient relic. Something inside of me ignited. The fire of discovery burning in my heart could not be extinguished. I started digging. Both of my hands scooped sand out like a construction machine at 6:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning. I may not have found another bone, but what I did find was a childhood passion born anew.” “Did you ever find out where that bone came from?” “Hard to say for sure. That particular sandbox bone was either the remnants of an ancient pterodactyl or a leftover chicken wing from Popeyes. We may never know, but it did taste almost like chicken.” “How unfortunate. Well, now that we know your backstory, would you like to tell us more about your findings?” “Yes, yes, of course. I’d like to start off by informing you all about what makes my research better from the rest of the competition.” “Shouldn’t paleontology be a collaborative effort to help further humanity as a whole, so we can better understand-” “-DID YOU KNOW that, while people think most dinosaurs were brown or green to camouflage into their environment, I believe that the most important dinosaur, the plesiosaur, was a bright fuchsia. That is, of course, my favorite color.” “Okay then. That is a very creative approach. Thank you. Are there any other findings you would like to share?” “Yes. I’m just barely getting started. Let me share with you what may be the most groundbreaking discovery in all of history. I am baffled at the dinosaur community for overlooking this extremely crucial source of research: a docu-series about scientists who accomplished what modern man believed to be impossible: Bring. Dinosaurs. Back. To. Life. Alive. For. Real. One way or another, the dinosaurs will still find a way to escape their man-made prisons and wreak havoc. Many lives were lost and no one’s even talking about the genetically-modified treasures still roaming our planet!” “And what is the name of this documentary?” “Jurassic Park.” “Oh.”

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