No one is helping combat climate change more than Brooklyn Tech’s group of determined Planeteers, the Sustainability Committee. They’ve come a long way in becoming an official branch of the SGO alongside the Alumni-funded Industrial Oil Rig Foundation. On top of implementing new methods of recycling for ink cartridges throughout the building, the Committee has started to advocate for change within the school.

However, one club can’t lead an entire revolution on its own. Inspired by the fervor surrounding this campaign, many students have begun making changes to their major’s course curriculum, taking part in what they call the “Tech Green Initiative.”

One reform tackles an issue that’s unique to our school due to our overwhelming student population, waste production. Did you know that only 50% of our school’s trash gets picked up by the city every month?! To help combat this issue, the Aerospace major has engineered rockets powerful enough to haul our remaining trash into space! With the right calculations, we can even contain the garbage in a perpetual orbit around the Earth, acting as a form of shade; blocking out UV rays until the ozone repairs itself.

If kids don’t like school lunch, then why eat food at all? Bio Sci students have answered this question by gene splicing with various fauna and enabling human beings to photosynthesize. Replacing mealtime with sunbathing sessions on the roof will definitely conserve energy and relax the student population. Although, some students have reported hearing whispers from the “maize maiden” who is plotting to bury humanity back into the earthen flesh of this planet. We still have 9 years until the climate clock runs out though, so I don’t see what the big deal is.

However, just in case the ocean levels continue to rise, ID majors have begun constructing an ark for students to take refuge in. In accordance with the department mandate, admission will only be allowed if you have an SGO sticker.

“But where’s the environmental science major?” you may be asking. Well, dear reader, the juniors and seniors have been prepping for their next school trip up to Antarctica! With military grade training and advanced weaponry, they will have the skills to stop the Climate Change Monster from climbing out of its hell crater and melting the ice caps with super laser heat vision before the doomsday clock reaches zero.