The Elusive Stairs Pass

Ethan Perkis04/01/2022April 2022



Hey! Kids! It’s me, the person lurking in the staircase and doing my entire class’ homework during 3rd period! I’ve been found by a hall monitor and marched into the auditorium. Strange how they have the resources to do that but not keep the mezzanine open.

But I have an IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT. It is now illegal to use the staircases at Brooklyn Tech without a pass. The punishment is 4 years of jail time or having all of your course credits revoked. How does one acquire a stairs pass, you may be wondering. Well, it’s quite simple. All you need is to put all of your personal information on a slip of paper and parade about the hallways of Tech wearing nothing but it. The deans will take you to an undisclosed location and tell you that you can have a stair pass if you never do that again, mentioning something about “scarring the children” and “disturbing the peace.”

If you follow these steps to the letter, you can use the stairs to your heart’s content.

Of course, we should discuss how to get to other floors without the pass. There are several methods, such as climbing the scaffolding, phasing through the floors, bribing the stair guards with mulberry pies, or prank calling a hospital and having an ambulance run over anyone in the way of your sweet, stair-climbing goodness.

That’s all from me! Gotta go–there’s a dean that’s here to put me into the undisclosed location for an indeterminate amount of time.

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