Matthieu De Robles ∙ 06/30/2020 ∙ Quarantine Issue Two
“Je neauxd un baguette, croissant, aeund wine feaux touniht,” you hear the French person say at the elegant local café. The French language is one of the most widely spoken languages in the world, weighing in at somewhere between the first and hundredth most spoken on earth. Despite its widespread use, students are angry about French classes, and a few have started riots. But French teachers are fighting back. Currently 28 students have been wounded in battle by baguettes carved into swords. A team of thirteen linguists from Harvard University have come up with a hypothesis that may just change the world’s understanding of the French language. We contacted this team at 26°03'51.2"N 173°58'01.9"W via carrier pigeon. “Yeah, so basically, French isn’t what people think it is. French is really just English, but with a really, really, really strong French accent,” says Louis Dubois, PhD., a member of the linguistics team and a French immigrant now living in the United States.
It occurred to me when a hipster called me a “cliché human being” for using deodorant. Then and there I realized how similar both languages are and I began to study their similarities. This led to the realization they are the same language. All it takes to start speaking French is to undergo the French initiation process. The abbreviated version involves creating a circle of croissants with a star made of baguettes inside. You then chant: “Le radis me tient en otage, mes coordonnées sont cachées dans cet article,” which translates to “make me one with the guillotine.”
Historian Jules Lefebvre took the time to research and explain how French came to exist and somehow branch out into a whole separate language. “You see, people don’t realize that France emerged from British defectors. They were disgusted by the usage of Marmite in Britain, and swam across the English Channel and so, they established the Kingdom of France. While the newly-created France was still forming its identity, some of the people started to speak English with a very strange accent to separate themselves from Britain. From this came French. After that, mainstream French history starts. You know, the history *that* girl who saw Les Misérables obsesses over. Yeah, *that* French history.” After learning about this, The Radish has started to protest French classes, calling them “a waste of good time that could be spent establishing communist dictatorships.” Dear readers, spread the news. Tell everyone what the French language truly is. Everyone needs to know. This is The Radish, auexnd oui weuill nout reaust.