Maxime Ennis ∙ 06/25/2021 ∙ June 2021
Tourists, with the summer, are getting nearer and nearer to the wonderful city of New York. And since, when visiting a new place for the first time, it is always helpful to have a guide to help you, I have created a guide for New York City tourists to give the true “new yawker” experience.
First and foremost, in order to be taken seriously by other New Yorkers, you MUST talk in a New York accent. If you’re unfamiliar with this type of accent, no worries, you’ll catch on as quickly as coronavirus!
When pronouncing words that have the “o” sound, use “aw” instead of “o.” Also be sure to keep in mind that words ending in g never pronounce the g. New Yorkers also rarely say “please” and “thank you”, replacing them with actions such as finger guns or what is referred to as the “fboy face.”
For example, the phrase “Hello how are you? Can I please have a cup of coffee?” would turn into “Ayyyyy ow are ya doin’ man? Ay can I uh get a uh cup of the cawfee?” The phrase “Excuse me I need to get by” would become, “Ayy pally bada bing bada boom what’re ya doin’ I’m wawlkin’ ‘ere.”
Walking around the city.
Now that you know how to talk like a New Yorker, you also need to know how to walk around the city like one.
Despite the stereotype that New Yorkers walk fast, if you go to Times Square, you will see the opposite. Now, you might be wondering, why are people moving so slow there? Well, it’s a custom to walk extremely slowly—especially when you are in a large group of people on a small sidewalk, full of people who just need to get to the nearest hot dog cart on time. New Yorkers love a challenge and it is a wonderful challenge to get where you need to go if there’s a huge group of people walking slower than the city’s free wifi.
Another thing: a beautiful sunset is rarely seen in New York, so, if you see one, be sure to stop in the middle of the road and take exactly 40 pictures. If you take less than 40 pictures, New Yorkers will shun you and throw you out of the city. You’d better appreciate that sunset.
Now that you know how to walk, don’t. It’s to learn the ways of the MTA.
In order to take public transportation in New York City, you will need a MetroCard. If you do not have a MetroCard, whatever you do, do NOT try to jump the turnstiles. If you try to jump the turnstile, a little bald man named Phil will come and beat you up with a coconut on a stick. You will forever be traumatized and banned from taking the subway.
Now, when taking the bus, you must greet the bus driver correctly. Ask them about their life. Make sure you get off the bus knowing the names of all 4 of their kids, otherwise you have failed.
Pro tip for public transport speed: Bang on the glass 3 times and maybe give it a big, slobbery kiss. The more saliva left on glass, the faster you will get to your destination; the vehicle will be disgusted.
Driving in your car.
If you are unable to take public transportation because Phil got to you, learning how to drive like a New Yorker is very important.
Unlike what most people think, driving rules in New York CIty are the same as they are everywhere else, so go ahead and make as many “right on red” turns as you want!
There is only one important thing you need to know for driving in New York: when someone honks at you that is just their way of saying hello. A polite response requires you to replicate their honking pattern and add one large honk at the very end for flair. If you fail to do this, they are legally allowed to rear-end your car and you will have to pay them 30 New York Dollars (equivalent to 30 USD). Or, worse, Phil might come.
I know this isn’t everything that a New York tourist might need to know, so look out for more tips that may be coming your way soon. And remember: if you are a tourist, be sure to follow all of these rules exactly—or else you will be either banned from New York or publicly executed in the execution chamber known as “The Statue of Liberty.” Enjoy your stinky and sticky time here in New York City, and maybe just walk everywhere to avoid Phil! He’s everywhere!