Wacky 2020 Candidates

Jacob Schles06/30/2020Quarantine Issue Two



  1. Gerard Picklestein State: Hawaii Current position: Supreme Leader Hot issues: universal healthcare, let me stay up past 10 pm >:(, howie doin Party affiliation: Demopublican

  2. Tinkley Winkley State: Texas Current position: hat Dealer Hot issues: One free hat for everyone, hat tax, buy my hats Party affiliation: Hat

  3. Lady Pimbless Chundershire

    State: London

    Current position: 10 Downing Street

    Hot issues: make America Britain again, take the tea out of the Boston harbor Party affiliation: Tory

  4. Harry Hormplestein

    State: Long Island

    Current position: CEO at Hormplestein Aviary Hot issues: less birds, stop making fun of my name, h Party affiliation: Republican?

  5. Jerry

    State: Guam

    Current position: stay-at-home mom 

    Hot issues: none Party affiliation: I just want everyone to have fun :)

  6. Chip N. Dip

    State: Alabama

    Current position: truck driver and part time Arby's manager

    Hot issues: create the DOK (Department of Kazoos), flavored Chemtrails, find the edge of the earth Party affiliation: I legally cannot answer this question

  7. Boe Jiden

    State: Delaware

    Current position: Obama’s best(?) friend

    Hot issues: vote for me, boobaclooba Party affiliation: Cremodat

  8. Scary Helen

    State: fear Current position: Clogs Saleswoman

    Hot issues: make Halloween mandatory Party affiliation: Whichever party Satan belongs to

  9. Jumbo Shrimp Burger

    State: Large Fries

    Current position: Diet Coke Hot issues: actually can you make that a Cherry Coke? Party affiliation: Thanks

  10. Toenail Terry State: N/A

    Current position: N/A

    Hot Issues: Toenail Terry Party affiliation: N/A

  11. Other State: Vermont Current position: Senator of Vermont Hot issues: medicare for all, pay off college loans, union rights, the green new deal Party affiliation: Democrat, Independent

  12. Me State: sad :( Current position: in my room ig Hot issues: kinda hungry Party affiliation: tired

  13. Sister Catherine State: The Convent Current position: nun Hot issues: oppression of nuns Party affiliation: nun

  14. ThinkPad T480s State: Italy, for a more precise location, please enable location services Current position: the laptop cart Hot issues: constant desecration of laptops by students; illegal Minecraft downloads Party affiliation: Single and ready to mingle

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