Phoenix Thorwall ∙ 04/08/2021 ∙ March 2021
Gertrude is a well-dressed, kind-hearted mother of three in her early 40’s.
One Thursday afternoon, she drove her Toyota Hybrid Minivan to pick up her kids from school. She was early; she makes a point of being punctual. This afternoon, rather than wait at the front entrance and chat with her gal pals, Gertrude decided to treat herself to some pistachio ice cream next to the schoolyard.
Then, it happened. She saw her kids talking to some friends and overheard one say, “Yo mama is so ugly that when she tried to join an ugly contest they said, ‘Sorry, no professionals.’”
“Ah, the classic ‘yo mama’ joke,” Gertrude thought to herself. She felt sorry for whoever's kids had to get dealt a sick burn like that about their loser mom. But then Gertrude remembered: those poor, insulted kids were hers. Adding two and two together, she made four with the realization that she was, in fact, the loser mom. Mascara and tears dripping down her face, Gertrude dropped her ice cream and ran—but shortly returned after remembering she still had to take her kids home.
Everyone has been hit with a “yo mama” joke at least once in their life. Most people rub it off with a “nice one, Jared” or “yeah, my mom is pretty ugly LOL (Laugh Out Loud).” But have we ever stopped to consider the mama behind the yo? How many mothers have been traumatized from this exact scenario? Well, for the first time ever, The Radish has a sponsor (our treasurer has proven to be incapable of procuring any funds). Here’s a big thank you from the Radish to the Yo Mama (Your Mother) Rehabilitation Center For Mothers Who Have Been Severely Roasted (Otherwise known as YMRCFMWHBSR). While you may have your suspicions, you can trust the YMRCFMWHBSR that your mother will be handled with the utmost care. Our mission is to nurture that battered and bruised mama bear spirit. The state-of-the-art YMRCFMWHBSR facility includes swimming pools, jacuzzi, and lounging at a 5 star restaurant. However, the actual magic happens at the group therapy sessions, where mothers get intense affirmations and meditative training. An Oxford study has provided the following research from field testing: “8/10 mothers who have been “yo mama’d” have showcased lack of energy, self-confidence, and productivity. The victim's body neglects any sense of maternal instinct in an attempt to deflect any “yo mama” jokes. “Another 7/10 mothers developed obsessions with the moment of attack. One common symptom: compulsively returning to the scene of the incident and muttering the sick punchline under their breath.” If that doesn’t motivate you to get your mother rehabilitated, then think of the bigger picture. Without mothers, who will remind the world’s children to eat their vegetables? Our simulations forecast the global gross domestic product going down by 2 percent. Purchases of all vegetables have been decreasing exponentially. Upon leaving the facility, your mother will walk into the world with a clear conscious, revitalized self-image, and a shiny pair of noise-cancelling headphones to drown out any pests.