When you think of Garfield, what comes to mind? The beloved orange tabby? Just a lasagna-loving cat, right? You fool. You utter buffoon. You have no knowledge of the universe and its truths. He is not a character but an entity—one who is horrifyingly real. To fully comprehend the tale you're about to be told, we have to go back to the beginning. Or more accurately, before the beginning.
Darkness. Silence. Nothingness. Then suddenly, a light. The light grows brighter and bigger until that's all there is. For millions of years, it stays like this. Until the light starts to dim and shrink. It takes the form of a cat. He has arrived. He created the beginning, and will bring the end. He was present at every major battle or disaster in human history. In ancient times, we honored and worshipped Him. Some say He is the inspiration for both God and the Devil.
As humanity grew and flourished, we forgot about Him. But Garfield was always there, influencing history from behind the scenes. Here's a short list of some of the major events Garfield is responsible for:
- Killing the dinosaurs (because He was bored)
- Kickstarting the French Revolution by inventing the guillotine
- Killing Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria over a parking spot, triggering World War I
- Stealing the Mona Lisa in 1911
- Stealing my heart
Then, on June 19, 1978 there was a shift in the universe. A prophet had emerged. Jim Davis had terrible visions of a lasagna loving orange cat that will bring about the end of times. He decided to do something about it. Publishing the Garfield Comics (also known as the Post-Modern Dialects of Garf), he trapped Garfield in the realm of fiction. Not without sacrifice, however.
To keep Garfield at bay. Jim Davis had to dedicate his life to putting out Garfield content. He can't stop for too long, or else Garfield will grow too powerful and break back into our world. It's soul crushing work. He has to follow a certain set of rules and rituals to keep the barrier between our worlds working. These rituals were not disclosed to The Radish, however, it has been heavily implied that they are graphic in nature.
Now you know the truth. The fate of the universe rests on Jim Davis' delicate shoulders. He and Garfield are constantly battling and will continue to do so until the end of time. You may ask, "what do I do with this information?" You should fear the answer.