Deadly New Mutant Avocado Plant

Aramie Ewen07/01/2020Quarantine Issue Two

#Timeless news


Avocados To tell the story of these new, deadly fruits, we must start from when avocados were invented. The year was 2017, the year millennials created them as a coping mechanism. Regardless of what they were upset about, smashing creamy avocado flesh on toast became a food trend unlike any other. And, as a direct result of being invented, avocados quickly spread everywhere. Soon, avocados were a dear part of our hearts—and our toast.

Yet, like any new movement, avocadoing had its naysayers. Some people were scared of the sheer pleasure of cutting open an avocado’s tough, leathery skin. They considered the avocado’s purity, and how easy it was to scrape free the delicious entrails from its protective layer. The sheer glory of it must have scared them. So, we must address naysayers of the avocadoing movement as cowards, and nothing more. Even a so-called “gluten allergy” must not deter people from consuming the holy fruit on its preferred medium. Denying avocadoing is a sin.

Unfortunately, those cowardly heathens were given an argument for their movement: the new, deadly avocado variant. Ever since the first appearance of this new plant, there has been a drastic increase in people saying terrible phrases like “you avocadong” at innocent avocadoers.

And the new strand of avocado is spreading. As of a date recent enough to scare you, there have been more than twenty new cases of this offensive avocado.

Since the new, dangerous avocado strand is spreading, a brave group of dedicated avocadoers from the (aforementioned) well-known college has begun studying it. “It is in fact … possible to … die … from this fruit,” the new study proudly proclaims.

That is why we avocadoers must march through the streets screaming for anarchy: this system created such evil avocados. In order to profess your commitment to the movement, I, on behalf of avocadoer kind, request that you have some of that nice, sliced avocado flesh on toast with you at all times. During these desperate times, we must resort to desperate measures. When avocado fanatics meet, we will pull the glorious bread slice from our pockets in greeting. Subtle messages are key. I suggest you devote a pocket to your avocadoed toast. It will stink, but when I smell that rotting avocado toast I smell a movement. Together, we can face such struggles as this mutant avocado plant. Those cursed, deadly fruits must be kept out of people’s reach. How unfortunate the lovely avocado’s name must be sullied by this abomination. Surely society must be to blame for the bioweapon. For that heresy against the avocado, let us denounce the new avocados as mangos. They do not deserve to be regarded as avocados anymore. What a horrible, deadly fruit.

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