Florida Men Remake The School In Their Image

Ethan Perkis05/31/2020Quarantine Issue One

#Timeless news

Due to the recent movements of the Earth by forces beyond our comprehension, space has been bent in such a way that the poles and the tropics are directly connected, and aligned in such a way that they have one terrible effect: a flood of Florida men streaming, predominantly in unmarked vans, fan boats, and gator chariots, across the world from the nexus of all chaos: Florida.

A few notable occurrences related to this increase in floridian activity:

  • New languages have been added to the LOTE curriculum, such as: Hillbilly, Swamp Rat, The Screams of Innocent Children, Hoedown Laughter, and Gator. All courses have the standard options: immersion, subversion, and doubtfuloftheexistenceofthesunversion.

  • The school has recently needed to up its security. The following items will be confiscated on sight, and will result in the confiscation of the owner’s student ID: bug juice, juice bugs, juiced bugs, pets (mammalian, reptilian, and alien), any kind of unregistered hunting implements, including blow pipes, python fangs, and rusted lead pipe, not explicitly allowed by your advisor for a scheduled excursion, or a musical instrument not explicitly allowed by a music teacher, such as a banjo, a kidnapped child, or a heart of darkness. To get your ID back, just pay the SGO $50 cash, 37 alligator teeth, 5 python skins, or 78.2 gallons of congealed swamp water.

  • After the recent Florida man vs. Brooklyn Techstep team competition, the Florida men have taken the lockers for themselves, proclaiming it to be “new Floridia.” One of our reporters, sophomore Christin Jésus, went to investigate. He came out minutes later intoxicated and covered from head to toe in tattoos and grime. When asked what he saw, only a few words could be distinguished from his inaudible mumblings, “Damn gators… government….kazoo” before passing out. Wish him luck in recovery! Furthermore, as a consequence of the locker room seizure, and definitely not of the release of several live alligators in the locker rooms, gym classes have been temporarily canceled. Hope you have an external gym membership; otherwise, you won’t be exercising anytime soon (that is unless you run into a hunting party of florida men).

  • The SGO store is now selling torn versions of the school shirts, incidentally 3 live alligators (not to be confused with the 9th floor crocodile) were released into the storeroom last week by a group of Florida men. Despite this, students seem to love the new design, resulting in the SGO opportunistically marking up the price by 75%. However, in a statement released by the SGO, they said that they would not modify already existing shirts, the sanity of their hired Florida man for shirt-cutting, as they had to lay off the gators for attempting to unionize, has not yet been determined. “We think he might snap,” wrote the SGO. “Snap like an SGO rubber band! One could be yours for our low, low $2 for 1 prices! Only slightly worse than dollar store ones! You want to support The Survey extracurricular activities, right?” The report continues for 8 more pages of advertising and self-praising screeds. Nonetheless, all of our staff has purchased the shirts, and boy, are we fashionable.

“We hope that these incidents do not affect the learning of the students,” the principal whispered over the PA, hiding from roving bands of florida men inside his office’s topiary garden. “In the case that it does, please come to snacks with the principal to chat,” he said, whilst the sounds of his being dragged away by the Florida men echoed throughout the school.

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