News Replaced By Random Generator

Charlotte Rotlander, Aramie Ewen04/03/2020March 2020


Dear Generic News Team,
Nowadays, reporting has lost its meaning, what with those cell-phone-owning plebs going aroun’ an’ whippin’ that thing out every chance they get. We just can’t drum up those dummies into a frenzy like we used to. So, we must take the initiative to try something new. Drum roll, please! Here’s our plan: take a whole bunch of random topics and words… and combine them. All we gotta do is input some random words into a random word generator machine. Then, we could make the words “potato, geese, and marching band” into “the dinner you want, but  never knew you needed.” Or, “orphan, hot air balloon, and one of our journalists” into “the weirdest way to meet your birth mother.” It’ll be a bit pricey, with estimates ranging from a couple of arms and legs to Jeff Bezos’ net worth and the conquest of a few small villages, but we can make the most of it. Just think of the payoff. But if y'all are really so desperate to hold onto your “journalistic integrity,” there’s another option. We could make the stories true, with a bit of creativity. Do you want to write about the traffic on the I-95? Looks like someone’s got some roads to tear up! Bank robbery? Grab a mask and get going! Simply leave out a few key details about what actually happened. Obviously, arson might have to stay a no-no for now, but reporting about a beat-up granny or two should work―even if we have to say she “tripped and fell.” Just something horrifying and eye-catching... horrifyingly eye-catching. As our legal expert has informed us: “Screw ‘em. They want a show? We’ll give ‘em a helluva show! Those ungrateful bastards.” So, c’mon. Let’s have fun with this. Squash that voice in your head murmuring “is this the definition of evil?” You’re probably insane. We need this. There just aren’t enough important things to report on and we’re running out of ways to increase our viewership. I hope you’ll consider this new technology.

Sincerely yours, Generic Reporter #59

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