Staunch Capitalist Refuses To Share Birthday Cake

Charlotte Rotlander02/01/2020February 2020

#Timeless news

#Guest interview

Editorial author Chipotle Ranch recently got a bit of heat for his article, "No, I won't share my cake, and you shouldn't either" printed in the New York Times. I sat down with him to discuss his piece. INTERVIEWER: Now, does your policy extend only to cakes? RANCH: My policy extends to every damn thing the sun shines on. Kids nowadays are being taught that sharing means caring and whatnot. I remember when being roughed up a little, walking home in the snow, built character. INTERVIEWER: I think what people are upset about is your approach to dealing with children. You said, and I quote: "That was the day I looked that ungrateful eight year old in the eye and said 'make me." Is that correct? RANCH: Well, yes it is. My grandson needs to learn the benefits of personal responsibility when he's young. I'm not making the same mistakes I did with my children- INTERVIEWER: If you don't mind me asking, what do your children do? RANCH: They're both licensed therapists. Something about having to work through their issues. I'm not sure what issues they could have, but sometimes life's too tough for the sofites I've raised. INTERVIEWER: Uhuh. RANCH: I ask that ungrateful daughter of mine to choose the cake. Surprise me, I say. And she gets vanilla! Who in their right mind gets vanilla? INTERVIEWER: Maybe she just likes vanilla? RANCH: Well she likes Jazz too, so maybe I should stop letting her make decisions. INTERVIEWER: Right. RANCH: Besides, Thomas is starting to look like he could use a little less cake. INTERVIEWER: And is Thomas your child or grandchild? RANCH: My grandson, but both could benefit from cutting back on carbs. He patted his own gut with a sigh. INTERVIEWER: So is your solution giving everyone their own cake? RANCH: They've really got you, haven't they? I'm saying everyone should buy their own cake. I thought that was obvious. INTERVIEWER: And that includes Thomas? RANCH: Boy's got legs, hasn't he? He could set up a lemonade stand. Or mow the lawn. No age is too young to contribute to society. INTERVIEWER: And do you believe in owning pets? Considering they don't do much? RANCH: Don't patronize me. And that's all I managed to write down before my brain clonked out.

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