Charlotte Rotlander ∙ 05/31/2020 ∙ Quarantine Issue One
We’ve noticed complaints of heatstroke, walking from the basement to the sixth floor, etc. So, out of concern for our dear students, we’ve decided to replace gym and lunch with fun trips to the beach. You’re welcome. However, to make this dream a reality, we need your help. For funding, we’ll need busloads of ignorant tourists willing to buy pretty, shiny, worthless things. See, money doesn’t grow on trees, but it sure does grow in the ocean. What with seashells, jellyfish, plastic bottles, and the occasional small child, the ocean is a money farm—all that could be sold for a tremendous mark-up! So, while you’re there, don’t think of it as digging through trash. It’s a fun scavenger hunt. If you’re lucky, you might just find something worth more than 5 cents! Additional activities will include: a competition for who can scam the most tourists I mean... raise the most money, a pickpocketing tournament, and extensive test prep for the 200 question beach exam. To make time for this exciting enriched learning experience opportunity, it will count for both your lunch and gym periods! We will implement modified schedules to accommodate for the hours you’ll toil I mean... enjoy yourselves at the beach! For safety reasons, some gym teachers, teachers, and custodians will be posted in a network of strategically located, fortified checkpoints to quash all hopes of escape or revolt. Due to the large quantity of food left on the beach, delicious & nutritious buckets of sand will count as “sandwiches” for students’ lunch. However, it should be noted that any non-sand-based food you provide will be confiscated on sight and then sold to the highest bidder. For drinking water: We highly suggest unfiltered ocean water; it’s held to a comparable standard to the school’s water. You could also bring your own—or better yet, buy bottled school water from us! But some salt really does add flavor, and pairs especially well with our premium sand buckets. Don’t think this is below school administration, though. Some things are, but this is not one of those things. We’ll be hard at work right beside students, selling all the washed up bottle caps, shells, and industrial waste you gather as mementos to the (aforementioned) clueless tourists. And don’t worry; there’s no need to remind us. We know how fantastic, generous, and humble we teachers are. Now you’re surely thinking, “Now, administrator The Radish is forbidden to name, this has to be completely illegal!” But never fear: this wonderful new opportunity is part of an all-new mandatory SGO program which will help students pay for all $250 of your new and improved SGO sticker. Now, if you’ve already paid for a sticker, don’t worry; you’ll still get a chance to contribute to the school—with a whopping 5 dollars taken off the new sticker’s price. On another note, we’ll be introducing questionable sushi Tuesdays, made from only the freshest of the beach’s washed up fish! Again: this is to inform you that all students must purchase either an improved $250 SGO sticker, or the 2 years’ labor variation for a Brooklyn Technical High School-sponsored diploma. Email us if you want your $5 off for already buying a sticker.
Yours Truly, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named Important note: Please note that as you signed the permission slip, you can’t pin anything on us, and have you forfeited your right to press charges against the school in court. And we have better lawyers than you.