Charlotte Rotlander, Aramie Ewen ∙ 07/01/2020 ∙ Quarantine Issue Two
Kidnap their dog and demand a reasonable, “small” fee for its safe return. Your friend will be elated to have it back—and much more appreciative of their pup in the future.
Poke your friend a bit. This is especially helpful if you say “hey” every time you do this.
Remind this bud how ungrateful they’re being; there are starving kids, somewhere, probably.
Repeat after me: “I’ll give you something to cry about!”
Knit them an uncomfortable eyesore of a sweater, scarf, or sock and then fake offense when they don’t wear it.
Offer this special friend a place in your pyramid scheme multi level marketing opportunity.
Fake a cancer diagnosis for pity; they’ll forget all about their stupid, annoying problems.
Fake an acute sprained kidney.
Fake that you care until they quit yapping exclusively using: “yeah,” “uh huh,” and “I get that.”
Break out the tap dancing routine. After all, there is only one tap dancing routine.
Or… just tell them to calm down. That’ll work for sure.