How To Console A Crying Friend

Charlotte Rotlander, Aramie Ewen07/01/2020Quarantine Issue Two



  1. Kidnap their dog and demand a reasonable, “small” fee for its safe return. Your friend will be elated to have it back—and much more appreciative of their pup in the future.

  2. Poke your friend a bit. This is especially helpful if you say “hey” every time you do this.

  3. Remind this bud how ungrateful they’re being; there are starving kids, somewhere, probably.

  4. Repeat after me: “I’ll give you something to cry about!”

  5. Knit them an uncomfortable eyesore of a sweater, scarf, or sock and then fake offense when they don’t wear it.

  6. Offer this special friend a place in your pyramid scheme multi level marketing opportunity.

  7. Fake a cancer diagnosis for pity; they’ll forget all about their stupid, annoying problems.

  8. Fake an acute sprained kidney.

  9. Fake that you care until they quit yapping exclusively using: “yeah,” “uh huh,” and “I get that.”

  10. Break out the tap dancing routine. After all, there is only one tap dancing routine.

  11. Or… just tell them to calm down. That’ll work for sure.

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