Stimulus Bill Secrets Unveiled: What’s REALLY In It?

Charlotte Rotlander, Aramie Ewen, Jacob Schles, Maxime Ennis04/08/2021March 2021


This pandemic has not been easy on the working people of America, those who struggle most economically. It was shocking when Congress passed a bill that actually helped. This bill, known to most as the stimulus bill, also sometimes called the stimulus dollar, included many details that aren’t talked about much.

Radish correspondents Jacob “the co-writer” Schles and Charlotte “the co-writer” Rotlander and Aramie “the co-writer” Ewen and Maxime “the co-writer” Ennis sought the truth. We are here to deliver it into your gaping, truth hungry mouths. You guys are so hungry for truth that it’s hard to believe. So, so hungry.

Our first discovery was on the bill’s fifty-third page. A shopping list, including ice cream sandwiches, honey mustard, and socks, was shoved between the pages labelled “Satanic cult location” and “Plans to buy (and eat?) Canada.” However, we weren’t too concerned about Satan or Canada. What could the list mean? To answer this question, we spoke to historian and grocery-store-frequenter John Saltine.

“I’ve always told my husband to never trust a man who wears socks. Yes, I’m constantly paranoid, and yes, my feet are always cold,” he said. After this interview, we promptly left his foot-scented apartment. Good news for him: a recipe for mustard-stewed ice cream socks can be found on page fifty-eight of the bill.

Onto our next discovery: page twelve, or, more precisely, where page twelve should have been. A ripped seam can be spotted between pages eleven and thirteen. What was on page twelve remains a mystery that only the bill authors of the bill will ever know.

Quick note for the bill authors: twelve is a number after eleven and before thirteen. This number is not to be confused with a fantasy pre-teen, known as a twElf. We understand the possible confusion that may have occurred while writing this bill.

Not four but five greasy napkins with an interesting smell can be found on page twenty-six. Our labs have found that these greasy napkins are from none other than Ted Cruz’s lunchbox, which usually has enough spoiled deli meats by the pound. Have you ever wondered what Ted Cruz’s lunch smells like? We wish we didn’t know.

Finally, a tearjerker—and not the greasy-napkin-stink kind of tear. Crossed out on page seventy-four is the proposed amendment to subsidize the career of School of Rock and iCarly star, Miranda Cosgrove. As soon as we saw, we emailed Ms. Cosgrove our condolences (in perfect grammar, may we add). She never replied, but we could feel the warmth in her heart all the way from her home in rural Kyiv in our offices in an abandoned Costco near our city’s most famous McDonald’s.

Thank you for reading through our findings. Seeking political knowledge and unwavering truth is hard, but you did it. Nice job! Now email your congressperson and demand justice for Miranda.

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